got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
