peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
