she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
