I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
