rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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