My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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