yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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