im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
