The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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