I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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