I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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