You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
