just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
