Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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