I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We left the knife in your bed.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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