No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
