i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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