either way he was missing a nipple.
it's like iHOP with fire
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
