Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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