SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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