Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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