Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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