this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
