Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
