at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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