My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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