omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
