Moan for me like Helen Keller
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
