Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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