My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
