Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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