i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just gargled with NyQuil
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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