Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
