smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
