He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
