i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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