Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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