Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
