I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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