GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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