Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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