What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
