So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
