you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
