Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
