Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
