did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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