Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
