1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Randomize
