i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize