Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I pour the whiskey from now on
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
