On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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