I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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