I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
