Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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