you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
