Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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