I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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