So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
